So here is my conclusion for the day. God does not give us problems or hardships. I use to think that EVERYTHING happened for a reason and most of the time it was a learning experience. I really don’t think this is true anymore. After losing two babies and Ginger having Cystic Fibrosis and seeing what other CF families have gone through or are going through, I don’t think God does this to us. I’ve come to think life is all random. Bad things happen to good people. God is not punishing us or testing us. It is how you deal with it that can give you strength in the end or not and THAT is where we have the chance to make God proud. It’s so hard because we are raised watching these movies and reading these books that conclude with the bad guy being punished and the good guy prevailing. We grow up and realize this isn’t how it works every time and it is a rude awaking. To be honest It knocked me on my ass. I remember waiting for the week it took to get the results on Ginger’s CF test… We knew there was a high chance it was positive, BUT there was still that glimmer of hope they were all going to be wrong. I promised God that I would fight for a cure for CF either way and I would be a better person and I would never take life for granted. I begged and pleaded and even read books on how to get God to give you a miracle. I remember the day we got the news. It was 100% positive. She had CF. I gave her the Gene G542X and Derek gave her the DeltaF508. These two genes no one had ever heard of just turned my world upside down. At first I was so hurt. I am a compassionate and empathetic person, I always was for animals and people. I thought, “What is God trying to teach me?!” Aren’t there people out there that are more deserving of this lesson? I’m a good person why would my child have to suffer? I now know God did not do this to me and more importantly God did not do this to Ginger. My innocent child does not have this disease to learn a lesson or to teach anyone else a lesson. It happened. And how we deal with it is what I think God takes into account. I hope I make God proud. I know there are days I do and there are days I feel like giving up and I just need a large glass of red wine and to talk about anything BUT CF. I hope someday Ginger will look back and know that I did my best EVERYDAY for HER. She is my drive. I know there are times when people think we are over protective and get annoyed with us, but the bottom line is this, We LOVE her. Everything we do, every decision we make is for that little girl. I know everyone thinks about what they would do in our situation, but really you don’t know that until you live it. You can NEVER know until the person you love most has to fight to live. The love is out of this world, the joy is unimaginable, and the fear is all encompassing. It is a life that you would not wish on your worst enemy, but at the same time you wouldn’t trade with anyone. Ginger’s smile and love makes my world spin. It is what makes me fight and her fire gives me hope. I have HOPE. Hope that my baby will live a long and happy life. It is a dream that is possible. And until it happens I will continue to praise God for EVERY blessing. I will try to make God proud of how I deal with life. I will fight like hell to save my baby and everyone else that fights to breathe. I will never give up on that miracle I started to pray for when she was so small. It will happen one day… one day soon. And all the good in life I will know comes from God. The bad things that happen are just an opportunity to show others our love for God.

♥ Courage is not the Absence of fear. It is believing that something is more important then that fear. ♥

6 Responses to “I’m not being punished”